she likes to sew stuff. Oh, here she is.
I love him, I love him, I love him!
- lsn't she great? // -He's all mine!
He's all mine!
She may have been on drugs at that point.
- Nah, just you, baby. // -you might be able to use that.
Oh, and come and see my wheels.
Billy!
Okay, that was good.
So this is what you want?
Kezzlin and Kloik.
Clocha. Caislean Clocha.
Right. So this is what you want?
Yeah. It means "castle of rock."
I mean, how many more...
appropriate can you get, you know?
Uh, when I found that out, I had to have it, right?
And it was your decision to buy,
uh, Cais-- Caisl-- Le Cle-- the castle-the rock castle?
Hell yes.
All right.
I told Thorne "we have to live here."
So it was your decision to buy it?
I called the realtor right away, yeah.
Hello?
Oh, hello, counselor.
Yes, I may have good news too.
Well, it looks as though this thing might end amicably after all.
Yes.
We're in serious danger of peace breaking out.
Which will make me very happy indeed.
Me too.
- Anyway, I have spoken to my client. // -So have l.
- She only wants the-- // -He only wants--
- She only wants the-- // -He only wants the--
Go to lreland, depose the staff at the castle,
- and we'll sort this out. // -Yes, Your Honor.
Oh, I see. You're after hiring a car.
That's why I'm here, Mr. O'Callaghan.
Oh, well, you've come to the right place.
Good.
Only see, thing is,
we're not open on a Tuesday.
Sorry?
Yeah, see, I'm not here on a Tuesday.
I know, I know what you're thinking.
If I'm not here on a Tuesday
and we're not open on a Tuesday
and today is Tuesday and I'm standing here,
then how can it be?
Well now, it all depends on how you look at it.
You see, normally...
See, if it's Tuesday,
and I'm not there even though it's Tuesday,
come back sometime when it's not Tuesday.
Hey!
Excuse me!
Thank you so much. Could you please--
Where did you get this Goddamn thing?
Top of the mornin' to you. Caislean Clocha, is it?
Hop in.
In there? With you?
Oh, okay.
Well, it's really not that far.
I mean, you just carry on straight down this road here.
After about, oh, eight miles you'll see a signpost
for the Devil's Staircase and uh...
well, apparently the castle is just the other side.
So, where did you get it?
Uh, Mr. O'Callaghan back in the village.
He's not open on a Tuesday.
No, I borrowed this from Mr. O'Callaghan the butcher down the road.
He's Mr. O'Callaghan, the car hire man's, Uncle.
- And you see, every Tuesday- - I don't want to know.
Oh, it's beautiful.
If you can touch the horizon
you're near your journey's end.
James Joyce?
No, my uncle Clive.
But equally profound, wouldn't you say?
Well, that spoiled it for me.
What am I going to tell Mr. O'Callaghan?
Isn't fog the most incredible natural phenomenon?
See, in rocky areas like this,
the temperature of the rocks in the daytime
is much cooler than the earth so...what happens--
Weather Channel.
- It is now midnight. // -Look, look.
I know we're a bit lost, I admit that,
but we're very close. We're very close, I can smell it.
- See, I think if... // -Wait a second.
- What? // -Look, over here.
There's some old trailer.
Ohh.
Oh my God!
I think we've landed on our feet.
See if you can get some light going.
Oh yeah, then I'll run your bath and get dinner on.
Hey, listen, we're in this together. We're a team, okay?
Yeah, for now.
Whoo, it stinks!
There we go.
Well, all in all, I think we've done quite well.
We?
Hey, listen, I got the light going, didn't I?
Oh yeah, forgive me. I don't know what I would have done without you.
Actually, I don't know how you do it.
You write books, you appear on TV,
you perform your stand up routine in court.
Are you taking your clothes off?
Well, just-- just-// -just the bottoms.
I mean, you know, they're covered in slime.
Ugh! Why did I do that?
And in your spare time, you work for the lrish Tourist Board.
- And your point is? // -I was doing fine on my own.
Oh, come on, let's be honest.
You were lost until I came along.
Oh, slightly metaphorical.
Anyway, come on.
Lie down. You look tired. You need to rest.
What, so you can get to Caislean click before me?
It's not "click."
- It's clocha. // -Clocha.
- Caislean Clocha. // -Kluhh-- kuhh.
Clocha-- it's not even a word. What kind of a word is that?
It's an lrish word. We're in lreland. Learn to adapt.
I can adapt. I'm very adaptable as a matter of fact.
- I'm probably more adaptable than you. // -Oh.
- And a word of advice. // -Yes?
Never tell a woman she looks tired.
Boy, you just summed yourself up in one sentence.
All-consuming, competitive spirit meets rampant insecurity.
Now why-- why would someone as accomplished
and as clever as you be so insecure, hmm?
I'll tell you what,
you spend your teenage years as the pimply, gangly daughter
of the most beautiful woman in the world,
and get back to me.
You better not leave me.
Never.
Oh.
Oh my Lord.
- We were this close? // -Uh-huh.
The hell with Thorne and Serena. I want it.
Well, duty calls.
Yep.
So you think you can get the servants
to back up your claim?
Well, I guess we'll find out.
I guess we will.
Hello, there. Welcome to Caislean Clocha.
- Hello, I'm Audrey Woods. // -I'm Daniel Rafferty.
- I'm representing Mr. Jamison. -I'm representing Mrs. Jamison.
I'm wondering would it be possible to speak to the staff for a moment,
- just a little bit? -...Interview them for a while?
Ah, would you be the posh lawyers over from America, then?
- Yes. // -That's grand.
- Well, they all agree with me so far. // -Me too.
Brendan, I'm going to need to interview the staff again.
I'm not getting anywhere.
I'm afraid you'll be out of luck there, sir, sure.
They'll all be down at the festival.
It's the village's anniversary.
It celebrates the couple who founded the place nearly 200 years ago.
It's a lovely story.
They were deeply in love but her father didn't approve,
so they ran away here and got married in secret.
And every year we have a festival in their honor.
It's very romantic.
- Singing and dancing. // -Aw, that's nice.
So basically, the old fella didn't like
this Scottish knight nailin' his daughter,
Et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah.
So it's basically, a lame excuse for a three-day booze up.
So is it the wild woman of the bogs herself?
I'd never've recognized ya.
Aye, you're cuttin' a fine figure this evening,
Even if I do say so me-self.
And you look like you're--
You're wearing...
that.
- You don't like it? // -No, no, you got kind of a...
"Lenny Kravitz meets Kiss without the makeup" thing going on.
Never too old to rock and roll, huh?
You heard the story of this place?
Yeah, it's all little elves and leprechauns for me.
Oh. Well, I thought it was rather charming.
There you go.
- Oh, what's this? // -Oh, it looks like poteen.
- "Poo" what? // -It's not "poo."
It's puh, puh-- "puh-cheen."
It's a traditional irish drink, slightly illegal.
- It's like moonshine. - Oh, so that's Gaelic for "goats nut."
Cheers.
Ah! I was right. It is poo.
Could I have the pleasure of this dance with you, miss?
- Oh, you know what, I can't-- - Oh, she'd love to.
- And I'm working. // -Go on. Go on.
- I'm working! // -You'll soon pick it up.
I'm working here.
No!
Make sure to keep those legs up.
Whoo!
Come on. You, come on.
No, no, you go.
Are you dancing?
No, I'm not.
No, madam, I'm not.
I'm slightly indisposed. My ankle and stuff like this.
- I'd love to, but-// -- Oh, don't be so soft.
- No! // -Get yourself up here.
Bejesus, you're a wholesome strap of a woman.
Are you married?
Would you excuse me for a moment?
Ho-ho!
I can't leave you alone for a second, can I?
Come on, honey, let's go. I'm serious this time.
- I'm sorry. // -Let's go.
Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah!
Oh, lovely. Lovely.
Fine. Here you go.
Thanks! All right!
Here you go, a drink for the little guy.
Cheers!
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your places
at the wedding circle.
The vows you have taken are holy and binding.
You've exchanged rings
as a token of your eternal love.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Aww...
That's beautiful.
It's a lovely story.
They were deeply in love, so they ran away here
and got married in secret. It's very romantic.
The vows you have taken are holy and binding.
You've exchanged rings
as a token of your eternal love.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Oh my God.
Oh...
my...
God.
Oh. Ahhhh!
Okay, okay. Wake up! Wake up!
- Oh, morning. // -Wake up!
Would you please look at your left hand, please?
- What. Oh. // -Please!
Oh, would you look at that?
Oh, you got one too.
Daniel, did we get married last night?
Yes, I have a feeling we did.
- The details are a little bit fuzzy, // -Oh, oh...
but I think the bride was scintillating...
in her figure-hugging Serena outfit and--
you're not happy.
Do I look happy?!
Well, it's hard to say, I mean, because you never seem to be happy around me
and I always seem to make you angry and--
Oh, oh, oh, it's all coming back.
We got to find the guy that did this and tell him we didn't mean it.
- Well, what if I did mean it? - Of course you didn't. How could you?
You don't want to be married to me!
Mrs. Flanagan! Mrs. Flanagan!
Mrs. Flanagan!
Oh, Mrs. Flanagan!
- How do you know? // -Anybody up?!
Ugh, I still don't get it. How can a whole town
be off on a Thursday for no apparent reason?
We're just gonna have to file when we get back to New York, okay?
- lt'll be like it never happened. // -But it did happen.
What happened is tied to a much larger issue.
Lot's of people get drunk without tying the knot.
I mean, when one's inhibitions are down, one acts on one's true feelings.
Sanderson v. Sanderson-- Supreme Court, lllinois, 1993.
You're citing case laws to support this insanity?
We got married last night for goodness sake. That means something.
Yeah, it means that we drank too much and made a mistake again.
- Phooey! // -Hi.
Hi. We just got married.
- Congratulations. // -Thank you.
- Stop telling people. // -She's the first one.
Yeah, but this kind of news spreads.
I'll come back.
Hmm.
- Oh my God. // -What?
We can't be married and be opposing counselors.
Why not? Can I say something?
♪We'll look ridiculous. And no you cannot.
Why not?
We'll be the laughing stock of the New York bar association
because you will say something contrary just to be contrary.
- Only this is my marriage too. - You see what I mean?
Oh, my head is thumping.
Ahh! Ugh!
Will you look at that?
You just broke the little fella's leg right off.
He's legless.
I liked that.
I was going to save that as a souvenir.
Hmm.
I'm sorry, Daniel.
I've known you for 35 years.
Alcohol has a very bad effect on you. You get hyper,
you get aggressive, you get married.
No one at the office can know,
so I have to research whatever legal system
County Clare operates under.
Well, why don't you just file here if that's what you want?
Oh, that's a great idea.
It'll take the press exactly two seconds to find out
that I got drunk and married and divorced in 24 hours.
Given my vast experience with divorce- and it is vast--
my guess is that there's a lot of wiggle room.
Hell, you could probably get it annulled as long as you didn't...
never mind.
I have to start wiggling first thing in the morning.
Mm-hmm.
Mother, what is this?
Oh, the girls and l are having a lip party later.
You can join us if you like.
David takes fat out of our butts and injects it into our lips.
That gives a whole new meaning to "talking outta your ass."
Hello?
Better pick up the New York Post
- before you file for divorce. Page 6. // -What?!
Off to get one of these?
Why did you tell them this? Are you crazy?
You think I did that?
Why would I do that, when you made it abundantly clear
that being married was the last thing you wanted to be, especially to me?
- Can l? // -What are you doing?
I'm calling The Post to tell them they made a mistake.
Daniel--
Or that we made a mistake. Which should I say?
No, no, no, put-- put the--
please, please, please, put the phone down. I--
I'm n--
I'm not trying to be hurtful here.
Just bear with me for a minute, okay?
- Trust me. // -Mm-hmm.
In the way that you trust me?
Okay, listen.
We got married whether we like it or not.
And it seems that it was, if nothing else, a little impulsive.
Personally, I blame the "poo" drink.
Now we're back in New York, and on opposite sides of a major case,
So whatever we may or may not do in the future in the short term--
- I agree. // -What?
I agree. It's the only thing we can do...
in the short term.
I haven't said what I was going to say.
You were going to say that we have to appear married
or we will seriously screw up our careers.
So... that only leaves one question, doesn't it?
Forgive me if I get emotional, but this is the day every mother dreams of--
the day she gets to watch her only daughter
put a lock on the bedroom door to keep her husband out.
Oh, stop it, Mother.
It may have been a wedding, but it is not a marriage.
Hi, I'm the husband.
Hi, I'm the mother.
- Oh. // -Mmm?
Uh, this is your room.
I made some room in the closet
even though it looks like you never hang anything up.
Hmm.
Bathroom's through there.
Oh, she's back to her old self. That seems promising.
I told you darling, we don't need separate bedrooms.
I don't mind you snoring. Can I use the kitchen?
He cooks. You never told me he cooks.
Yes, well, it's been a strange couple of days.
I'm sure she'll come around, don't worry.
Shouldn't I be saying that to you?
Yes, oh, I've enjoyed reading about you in the society pages.
Are you, uh, really 56?
- Parts of me are. // -Ah.
- Would you like a cocktail? // -Oh, yes, please.
- Mmm. // -Only if it's an extremely large one.
Okay.
I made brownies.
I've given up sugar. It was a crutch.
- What? // -Is that what you're wearing?
- What's the matter with it? // -Nothing, nothing.
It-- it just needs...
something.
We're married, remember?
We have to make it look like we mean it...
even if we don't.
Let me.
Well, say something.
Uh...
um...
did you get yourself one too?
- You want me to do it or you? - Uh-- eh-- I can do it.
There, now we can fool anyone, eh?
I guess.
All right, all right! Quiet back there!
I can't hear you! I can't hear you!
You pussy!
- Here you go. // -Oh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Just shut up. Why can't you shut up and listen?
Why can't you fall under a snowplow?
It's summer.
Yeah, I'll buy you one as a parting gift.
...So I looked like 12.
Oh, your mother called earlier.
Hey, I ran into Tracey Abramovitz today.
Oh, Tracey, Tracey.
Four million?
Aspen?
Jeez.
...it looks like it is going to cut
its way through the mid-Atlantic states.
So later on in the day-- New York and also around, say, the Stanton area--
you may see an isolated shower or thunderstorm.
...still soggy across New England,
otherwise high pressure settles into the mid-Atlantic coast
and it'll be dry in the morning tomorrow.
New York's shore forecast for today, 75...
Hmm.
And not only did Serena renovate and decorate--
Yes, indeed, save Caislean Clocha--
she restored the gardens. She reached out into the community,
single-handedly reviving the ancient textile industry in the area,
pumping revenue back into the economy.
Yeah, she was pumping the gardener as well.
Shove it!
Ms. Woods, if you don't put a muzzle on him...
Your honor, my client is simply making the point
that while he was away working hard to pay for the castle,
his wife's activities may not have been entirely altruistic.
If fidelity is at issue here, we can happily produce receipts
documenting Mr. Jamison's tour of the world's brothels.
Yeah!
- Nice. // -All right, all right!
- Quiet back there! // -Ahh!
What is the relevance of this?
I'm suggesting that Mrs. Jamison
doesn't deserve to be awarded a $3 million castle
simply because she hung some curtains and was popular with the help.
Why not? She shouldn't be denied her standard of living,
especially when her husband over there forked out four million
on a love shack for his mistress in Aspen.
How do you know that?
I...
I said don't tell no one about Aspen!
What about all that lawyer-client crap?!
I will not stand for this behavior in the courtroom.
You don't even know how to ski!
Just shut it.
I want a divorce.
It was an accident.
I swear.
I was taking out the garbage, the bag broke...
...and then in the middle of the battle--
I don't believe you.
So...
you want a divorce?
Yes.
So one little hiccup and we give in, eh?
Just like all the saps we represent?
Do not throw your take on life and marriage at me
Iike some moral battering ram.
And what about the professional fallout you seem so desperate to avoid?
Well...
I'm sorry, I don't believe in divorce.
You don't believe in divorce? How can you say that?
- You make your living-// -- It's a job!
But in those miserable couples, what do we see?
- What do we really see? // -Us. We see us!
- People who have made a huge mistake-- - No, no, no, no!
We see people who are not willing to fight.
You have to fight for what you believe in.
Fight fair, fight dirty, but fight!
People who are supposed to fight to save a marriage
have to be in a marriage they want to be in!
- I am! // -That's bullshit!
No, it isn't! Let me tell you something.
I'm not in this marriage to save my career,
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I don't care about my career!
But I do care about you...
And so I will give you a divorce, gladly,
because... call me old fashioned,
but when you love someone...
I believe you should be unselfish enough
to give them whatever they want.
I'll be around later to pick up my things.
Hello?
Mom?
- Hello? // -Hi, Sara, it's Arlene.
Arlene, can I call you back? I have Audrey with me.
Darling, you can't live your life
trying to avoid the mistakes I've made.
You've got to make your own.
You think I'm making one?
I don't know what to tell you, honey.
All I know is that I'm running out of favors.
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to place an item on page six of the New York Post?
Oh.
It'll be all right.
I had Thorne Jamison's
12-year-old assistant on the phone this morning.
Don't ask me how she got my private line-- it's unlisted.
Anyway, she has informed me that your client
will not be appearing in court today,
as he has gone back to his castle in lreland.
Which as you know has not yet been awarded to either party
and is, as such, off limits.
Now I'm going to give you 48 hours to get him back here
or I'm going to dismiss this case for failure to prosecute.
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
- Oh, welcome back. // -Hello, Mrs. Flanagan.
Is Mr. Jamison in?
- Oh my God! // -Oh, no.
Oh my God! Are you-- oh!
- Get off of me! // -Oh, I uh...
I-I'm so sorry. I thought y-you--
you screamed.
Yeah, don't you?
Nice one, babe.
Yeah, no-- well--
see, uh, we-- we both got here on separate planes
and, uh, we were just about to get stuck into tearing the place apart
when Mrs. F comes in and says, "Happy Anniversary."
Seven years.
You was just a baby, weren't you?
See, we got married here in the local village.
Anyway, we decided to make it work.
- You know, whatever, right? // -Yeah
- You can't give up, right? // -No.
I couldn't agree more.
- Audrey. // -Hello.
What are you both doing here, anyway?
I came to tell you you're not legally allowed to be here.
Yeah, but we are.
Yeah, 'cause like we own it.
But, uh, you know, thanks for coming all this way.
Michael! You must both stay for some nosh.
Yes, sir?
Ah, hello there. If it isn't themselves.
How are you?
Ah, Michael, uh, will you tell Mrs. Flanagan
that we will be two extra for din-dins?
- No problem, sir. // -So you work here as well?
As well as what?
Being a priest.
Oh, I see!
Yeah, the old festival.
Ah, no, I just do that for a bit of fun.
I have an ecclesiastical demeanor apparently.
So...
you're not a real priest?
Oh, goodness me, no.
Still, I see you went ahead and did it for real.
I can always tell the ones who will.
Congratulations.
So...
- so that means then... // -Oh, no! Oh, God.
Well...
the last thing anyone in this room seems to need
is a divorce attorney.
I won't stay for supper, if it's all the same to you.
Excuse me.
Well, ah--
Ah, thanks.
Anyway, uh...
both of you have been great.
I-I-I had no idea
the legal system was so deep.
Are you okay?
No, I don't think so.
Do you know what I think?
I think you two have had a lover's tiff.
Yeah-- yeah, we did, kinda.
Yeah, well, you gotta get over it.
You know, you were the one who said you could get through the bad patches,
that breaking up was the last resort.
Or something like that.
Yes, I did.
Will you give me a ride?
- Do you know the way? // -Do I know the way?
I know lreland like the back of my hand.
Yeah, right.
Along Giant's Pass,
through Paddy's Cross,
over the bridge,
and back to Paddy's Cross.
We're lost.
No, no, no, no, I should have turned right earlier.
Ah, right, I'm all over it. What time's your flight?
Hi. Did the flight for New York leave yet?
Two minutes ago.
Did Daniel Rafferty check in?
I'm sorry, we're not allowed to give--
Please, please, can you just be the guy
who breaks the rules, just this once?
It's really important.
- Rafferty, you say? // -Yeah.
Yes, he did. Were you meant to be with him?
Yes, I was.
When's the next flight to New York?
Did you know that 80% of women
who say they're too busy to have a relationship, are really lonely?
And are you?
I was.
You're always saying that you have to fight
to save a marriage and not give in, right?
Yes.
Do you really believe that?
Yes, I do...
very much.
Why?
Well...
do you want to fight?
Not only do I have to put up with your bickering,
finger pointing, backstabbing and name calling during the week,
now you drag me in on the weekend too?!
Anyway, seeing as we're here,
Counselor Woods, I'd like to ask you a question, if I may.
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Will you love him, keep him,
honor him and protect him,
and forsaking all others, be loyal only to him?
- I will. // -I know what to say.
I'm her mother.
I will.
So will I.
Hey! Hey! I didn't get to you yet.
- Sorry. // -What is wrong with you people?
Do you want to be the only man ever held in contempt at his own wedding?
No, Your Honor.
Counselor Daniel Rafferty,
do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Will you love her...
With the power invested in me by the state of New York,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Bye.
Here you go, for old times' sake.
Oh, wow. How can I refuse?
You know, you folks may want to close the sunroof.
There's a 79% chance of rain in the next half hour.
I watch the Weather Channel.
♪ Then that time I went and said goodbye ♪
♪ Oh, now I'm back and not ashamed to cry ♪
♪ Ooh baby, here I am ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours ♪
♪ Oh yeah, sing it with me ♪
♪ Here I am, baby ♪
- ♪ Signed, sealed, delivered ♪ - ♪ You've got the future in your hand ♪
♪ Oh yeah, here I am, baby ♪
- ♪ Signed, sealed, delivered ♪ - ♪ You've got the future in your hand ♪
♪ Oh yeah, I've done a lot of foolish things ♪
♪ That I really didn't mean ♪
♪ Hey, baby ♪
♪ Ohhh, ahhh ♪
♪ I've seen a lot of things in this old world ♪
♪ But when I touch them they did nothing, girl ♪
♪ Ooh baby, here I am ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours ♪
♪ Ohhh, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Oo-wee, baby, you set my soul on fire ♪
♪ That's why I know you're my one and only desire ♪
♪ Ooh baby, here I am ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours ♪
♪ Oh yeah, here I am baby, whoo ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered ♪
♪ You've got the future in your hands ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Here I am, baby ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered ♪
♪ You've got the future in your hands ♪
♪ Oh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ I've done a lot of foolish things ♪
♪ That I really didn't mean ♪
♪ I could be a broken man ♪
♪ But here I am ♪
♪ Now here I am, baby, whoo ♪
- ♪ Signed, sealed, delivered ♪ //- ♪ Here I am, baby ♪
♪ Ohh, yeah ♪
♪ Here I am, baby ♪
♪ Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours. ♪
♪ Dead summer now, the kids are back inside ♪
♪ Get a ticket for a sock and puppet ride ♪
♪ Second nature to a mother's only son ♪
♪ Whoaa-ohh ♪
♪ Freddy's burning up in Satan's Fahrenheit ♪
♪ Crash landing from a snowball parasite ♪
♪ Television is the Devil's chosen fun ♪
♪ Whoaa-ohh ♪
♪ Now you're out of tune ♪
♪ Whoaa-ohh ♪
♪ Singing at the moon ♪
♪ Seaside pleasure and all that shagging around ♪
♪ Fall into your head, she said what she said ♪
♪ Get ready to roll back the dice. ♪